Wednesday, October 17, 2012

309: Turning 22 and Future Me

I am officially 22 years old today. I don't necessarily feel old, I am just unwilling to accept the responsibilities that come with it. I woke up at 8am which was one of my small birthday treats to myself and I awoke to this letter I wrote to myself 10 months ago. I got the idea from Amanda when she posted a letter to herself regarding finishing her PhD and marrying Drew. After finishing it, I had a good cry. Let's just say, me a year ago definitely had an idea of what I would be doing a year from now...down to the habitual tendencies.

The following is an e-mail from the past, composed 10 months and 17 days ago, on November 29, 2011. It is being delivered from the past through

An e-mail entitled A Letter from November 29, 2011

Dear FutureMe,
So here's the sitch, you're sitting on the floor of the RBR typing this letter when you're supposed to be doing everything else BUT this. You are tired; you fell asleep last night at Lestat's as Jon managed to be productive and smash seven pages into his final paper. The future is quickly approaching you, a little less than five months until graduation and you are broke as a mother. [*still am] Christmas all of a sudden became very expensive and you're trying to scrap here and there for Scott's Marvel Civil War and Michelle's bag of goodies. In the future, if you ever became bitter about the amount this present cost, just remember she buys you tons of things. Even though you never ask for it (i.e. Urban Decay Book of Shadows 3 and the Too Faced Natural Eye Palette) so purchasing these products for her are stretching out you wallet with "hypothetical" dollars in it. (*i think i'm still paying myself back with that xmas.) Romanticism is really on your bad side. I mean really. Surprisingly it's the only class you have an A in atm and PLEASE tell me that you pass with at least a C. (If so, please take a shot of whatever because right now you're trying to spew out the sublime that you don't even believe is there.) [*...THEN HERES TO ME TONIGHT!!!] Please let me know you graduated okay and at the date that this is sent you're/you've: finished your last graduating units, you've submitted your last application to teach abroad, you've taken at least ONE GRE exam (oh yeah Janel, past Janel knows you're supposed to take it then and you're probably lazy to study those cards that Jon let you borrow way back in May...oh yeah I remember). [*damn kinda got called out by my past self, but even though I don't plan on taking the GREs anymore, I do have to get on the CSET grind for my teaching credential] Also, with the date that this will arrive it should be your 22nd birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY BROAD! What are you doing this year? Laying around scratching your butt? [*...yes] Since Vegas happened, your 22nd birthday is drawing blanks. Are you attending dinner with your friends because they HAVE to see you for your birthday? Quiet dinner with Jon? [*Damn, I had some foresight into my future back then] How is Jon? You two are still together right? He should be in his second year of Graduate school. Hopefully he isn't punching pillows anymore because he's behind on readings. Does he know that aside from practically missing a cheerleading outfit, you're trying to be a support that doesn't teeter, that even though you may not know what it is like to be in Graduate School since (well at this point in your life) you're planning on letting Graduate School wait, you're just trying to simply, be there. Be there for when he throws down his exponentially increasing book bag on the table, lazily shuffle his books about, drop down in the chair next to you and say, "I'm tired." You're just trying to be there. Speaking of which, how did his Symposium back in March go? [*he had one  hell of a time.] He was really sad not to go to Thailand back in November, but hopefully he kicked it's butt so hard. Sometimes I wonder if he thinks of Thailand like a mistress. His heart belongs elsewhere, the humid heat and death defying streets of Thailand. Yes, I knew you would chuckle there. Last night I gave him a Thai Phrase Book with an audio cd that he can listen to on his iphone. In the back of your mind you're thinking of the kiss he gave you after he saw the Thai Language book and cd.
Let's get to the meaningful stuff now.
The reason you're writing this letter is to show that while you have been procrastinating for the last mmm hour, it was worth it. That in the end, the fact that right now, no amount of concealer and makeup can hide your heavy bag, dark circles, and sleep deprived eyes. Okay lets face it, you looked like shit today. Anywho, you're fine. Being now, 22 you're moving on with a life you have absolutely no clue will turn out. Will you be at Montezuma? Will you participate in a credential program, you just don't know. It's freaking scary to think that you've probably procrastinated on several applications to Korea. [*called out AGAIN] (You applied to Korea right, the plan was Korea, Japan, Italy, and Thailand). Sure it's scary, I don't know if you circled six months or a year but heck, you'll be away from your family, Michelle and Scott especially, and Jon...and Reese Peanut Butter Cups...and Five Rolled Tacos [*I humor myself despite the seriousness that line just had]...and In & Out Burgers. You get the point, you're not sure at all with how going to Korea and them will turn out. But just think about the experience you will have and what you will bring to the table when you start the credential program.
So Janel, I will leave with you this. I'm unsure of how the future will go. I'm uncertain how tomorrow will go. But don't lose hope. Stay Strong and believe in yourself. Yes, you're quoting the same things that Jon tells you everyday when you get lazy and haphazardly do things. I'm sure Lola, Grandpa, David, and everyone you miss are smiling above knowing that you've completed such an achievement and am moving onto something even greater than yourself. [*cue the motherfuckin fetal position crying]
With Love,
Janel Bruan, age 21

I think I'll write myself another one if Korea goes through, or maybe if I am taking the credential program.

Dear Past Janel,
Thank you for that letter. At this point of my life, half of the concerns that you made are still an inevitable reality for me.  Honestly, I apologize that you probably had an idea that in a year you would have a better grip on things. You don't. You're still fighting for money and you still haven't chosen Korea or the Credential program. You've submitted a FBI Background Check, but you're waiting for the results to arrive so you can start doing the other stressful half of the application process. In the case that Korea doesn't work out, you're thinking of USD as a viable option for the Credential Program and Masters at the same time. You actually went to their School of Leadership and Education Studies (SOLES) Open House last Saturday. Honestly, you're keeping both like a selfish bitch. Right now, you know that the time is coming where you'll have to leave Montezuma. You no longer feel you're needed there, not as an isolated incident, but I guess as fate has it, it's time. Jon is about to finish up the last courses he'll need to take for Grad School. Next semester is going to be dedicated to working and finishing his dissertation. Tonight for my birthday, we're going to have dinner that I've requested to plan as to where we're going to eat. Afterward, I've invited KAMP to come along to El Dorado for drinks and dancing. I am accepting the fact that I just may not remember all.
Well...that's all. I'll see you in another year. I think I just might e-mail my 23 year old self.
Janel Bruan, a newly turned 22-year old.

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