Monday, January 23, 2012

Day 23: One Year

The Ramble**********

Obviously I'm a liar and let four more days slip by without a post. I guess you can officially say "Don't Trust Janel When It Comes To Posting". Gosh, I haven't posted on my makeup blog since the New Year. However, I feel I've depleted myself of inspirations for posting that I have no idea what I can post about. I'm not a tutorial blogger. All I can really do it do hauls, swatches, and favorites. But what else? I don't know. I'm determined to post something other than my January Favorites post before the end of the month.

The Real Day 23 Post--------------------------

Jon and I at Balboa Park's December Nights

Today is me and Jon's One Year Anniversary. I can't quite fully believe it myself. Yes, I do believe that Jon has been an accompaniment of mine for the last year but I can't fully grasp the fact that he has sat by me and refused to budge. 2011 was quite an interesting adventure for the both of us: Jon started Grad School and his Grandfather passed away on Christmas Day; for me, David passed away and my Dad had two heart attacks. Thinking about these events in my life, I'm surprised I've managed to remain standing but  for my Sister's sake I've remained strong. The last thing I want for her is to worry about finding her little sister in the fetal position crying. Within the twenty-four hours of finding out, I was determined to be my sister's strength and not let her see my tears. She's seen me cry of course, but I didn't want her to know how fully losing David had affected me. That turned out to be for Jon to see, within an hour of receiving my phone call he had come to side and allowed me to ball in his lap as I cried for what seemed like hours. Pondering the question of where had David gone. Jon was there for me and I'm forever thankful of the embraces that I needed. Jon was there too when my Dad suffered his heart attacks. My family felt that we had suffered yet again and it had not even been three months since David. It was quite rough if I say so myself. My brother sought refuge in his old Youth Ministry he used to volunteer for while my sister went to therapy and was prescribed various types of medication to help cope with her loss. I don't believe she'll ever fully heal from this. I don't think anybody ever really has but the culminating pain hit me when I visited my Dad in the hospital room and didn't leave until around 1A.M. I can't tell you how much it scared the life out of me to see my Dad poked and prodded with needles that I did not know what their purposes were for and to see him so weak. Sure, my Dad doesn't really make an appearance in my life like the nuclear father is supposed to. But he's there and I know he loves me. But seeing him in that bed, whispering my name surely brought chills up my spine with the thought of losing him forcing it's thought into my brain. With losing David hitting us not even three months prior, it hit me bad. Yet there Jon was arriving at the hospital at 2AM, in the empty Kaiser Food Court with an In & Out Burger and a milkshake for me. Those were the moments in my life I felt vulnerable and Jon allowed me to expose those fears to him. Not forcefully, not expectantly, but patiently waiting for my barriers to crack to expose why I am certain ways. Why I'm so hurt at the moment.

I could only hope to return the favor when Jon's Grandpa, who had been hospitalized around the time we started dating passed away on Christmas Day. It was just another KAMP meeting where instead of leaving, we hung out in the front seat of his car whispering gooey "I missed you's" and "I love you's". I know, I can get quite disgusting myself when it comes to romance. It struck eleven and I had to go to work early the next day. He wished for me to let him know when I got home, just as he wished for the very first time on this day one year ago. When I did, I received a reply that his Grandpa was back in the Emergency Room, fluid had entered his lungs and within two weeks time, his body had given up.

What means to most to me in our with one another were those times of vulnerability. The times where we would typically withdraw within the shell of ourselves and suffer inside, we had each other. Although I felt that he asked more questions about myself than I would care for, we had each other. Times when Jon would curse out about his amounts of reading and papers to do, he had me. When I missed my Lola the most in the world, I had him. Jon called me "his partner" today on Facebook regarding our anniversary, which for lack of a better true. We communicate and that's what I like best about our relationship. We have an issue, like lack of time with one another, we talk it over - which is why I don't call it fighting but rather a serious discussion instead - and figure out a way to get around it. He listens to me and remembers things (sometimes things a real boyfriend ought not to a dumb comment you made several months before) but he remembers them. I can catch up with him when it comes to comic books, not so much with Football, but comic books, yes. The same for him when it comes to makeup. I'm thankful for having Jon in my life and here's to another year. Jon's a keeper. One that I know will be by my side. He has told me countless of times, he doesn't give up that easy. I'm happy for that. I don't want him going anywhere.

Happy One Year Babe.

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